The January 6 “Narrative” Is Soviet Propaganda Writ Large

I object to the outrageous government propaganda regarding January 6.  A full day of speeches to mourn an “insurrection” that nearly destroyed “democracy”?  Eminent historians drafted for the occasion to “establish and preserve the narrative”?  Moments of silence every other moment to remember the bravery of heavily armed officers who beat and shot unarmed…umm…“soldiers”?

So much praying.  So many lit candles.  So many solemn entreaties to push for universal mail-in balloting in order to prevent future violence.  So many earnest calls to punish the wicked for their dangerous thoughts.  This is not how proper propaganda is done at all.  This is so over-the-top that children could see through the infantile machinations of our political betters.  I expect more from America’s “leaders.”  Anything the Soviet Union could do, we can do better, and we can certainly do better than this!

Come on, Pelosi.  Propaganda works best when it’s subtle!  To replace the Founding Fathers with our new Founding Communists, you have to pull at people’s heartstrings.  You’ve gotta make ‘em cry.

For starters, we need lots and lots of funeral coffins draped with American flags and filled with the ravaged bodies of Capitol Police officers who were gunned down or bludgeoned to death by the evil MAGA hoard last year.  There were none?  Little worry.  I suggest using the corpses of any imprisoned January 6 protesters — I mean “terrorists”! — who may eventually die from “natural causes.”  (Surely they would insist on donating their own bodies for such a noble cause!)

Perhaps they could even be stuffed, preserved, costumed appropriately, and put in glass tombs around the perimeter of the Capitol for tourists to visit and mourn.  Regardless, it is imperative that the Capitol Police be remembered in perpetuity as having saved our constitutional republic…I mean our democratic republic…or rather our precious democracy from nearly disappearing under the weight of the flag-carrying, selfie-taking, college-game-day-type-revelry-embracing MAGA revolutionaries who overwhelmed the Capitol last year.

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Those beasts!  Did you know at least one was even outfitted as an actual beast with horns and everything?  Such evil personified surely warrants years in solitary confinement — this is the land of the free, for goodness sakes.  And in a free land such as ours, humor and laughing must be strictly regulated.  You know, like they do in North Korea.

Second, calling in historians to record an official “narrative” for the record?  That’s a little heavy-handed, isn’t it?  Some people might come to the incorrect conclusion that they’re not really objective academics but rather propagandistic tools of the State.  We need America to take this seriously.  Perhaps the best thing to do is make sure that university history departments across the country only hire professors who take solemn oaths to always portray the events of January 6 as the greatest threat to the country since 9/11.

Scratch that, now that describing Islamic terrorism as terrorism is plainly un-“woke” and Islamophobic, we may need to scrub 9/11 from the official historical record one day.  The greatest threat since Pearl Harbor, then.  No, that won’t do either since we’re on the verge of canceling the Greatest Generation altogether.  Better to compare the hours of naughtiness on 1/6 as morally and lethally equivalent to the carnage of the entire Civil War.  Over 600,000 men died during that American tragedy, and many hundreds of thousands more eventually succumbed to illness and injury.

If we can subtly suggest to Americans that the “insurrection” at the Capitol might have caused a million deaths, then we can justify hunting down Americans across the country who may be secretly harboring pro-MAGA thoughts.  In order to save “democracy,” we must purge from existence those who might still remember we were once a constitutional republic.  And in order to purge our thought enemies posthaste, we must remind loyal Americans that we almost all died from the unbearable Civil War that occurred on January 6 — a day that truly felt like years!

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Obviously, all of this should become part of the new mandatory school curriculum across the country.  I suggest we instruct the teachers’ unions to rewrite history books accordingly, so that we can begin teaching children that they would have surely been murdered, if not for the heroic actions of our Founding Communists and their praetorian security forces.  You see how this is a much more effective way of rewiring Americans’ brains?  You don’t just bring out “official” historians on stage to read proclamations like royal town criers did two thousand years ago.  You go straight to the classroom and get the five-year-olds while they’re still eating paste!

Third, it is imperative that the shooting death of Air Force veteran Ashli Babbitt and the likely beating death of courageous Rosanne Boyland be permanently stricken from the record — unless used to highlight the heroic prowess of federal security officers over unarmed women.  It must be made clear that the “war on women” only exists when officially sanctioned by the State.  Otherwise, it would look downright cruel for Pelosi and Harris and all the other great Democrat defenders of women (and men who think they’re women) to celebrate their extermination at the hands of the police State.

Their deaths occurred at the “People’s House,” after all, and “democracy” is all about the people; but it’s important for Americans to learn that when we say, “people,” we mean only the “right people” from here on out.  Saving “democracy” is a tricky business, but that’s why eventually denying constitutional rights to MAGA folk in the future will come in handy.  That’s for later, though.  One baby step at a time here until only “progressives” are still around to progress!

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Finally, treating January 6 as a national holiday for mourning and remembrance is useless unless it ultimately allows us to achieve the only goal that really matters: keeping President Trump from winning yet another election!  I don’t know about you, but I sure think it would be embarrassing if, after years of treating the events at the Capitol as worse than the Civil War, the Ol’ MAGA Man, himself, turned around and won a landslide election in 2024.

No, no, no, we can’t have that!  The utter humiliation for a federal government pushing the current “insurrection” narrative would be unbearable if the people turned out en masse to totally reject the “correct narrative” that the ruling authorities have spent so much time and money putting together.  That must never be allowed.  Better to have Attorney General Merrick Garland, who is known for being as apolitical as Obama’s “wingman” Eric Holder, just declare outright that President Trump is barred from running because…many important reasons!  Either that or pass some unconstitutional law that federalizes state elections, so that Mark Zuckerberg can begin hiring political operatives to mail in more ballots than legal voters.  Why not both?!  Maybe we can have some retired generals “war game” this out for us.

I tell you, commemorating January 6 each year is going to be like celebrating our new beginning as a one-party State.  Are shivers running down your spine, too?  I thought so.

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